Plucking Out Your Right Eye: Strategies For Handling Toxic Relationships

As much as I am usually shocked by the antics of Donald Trump on Twitter, I could not help but stand firmly on his side in an episode where the news media purposely quoted him as saying, “Immigrants are animals.” Of course, this quote was taken out of context and naturally, it created a great uproar. Upon considering his quote in the context of his talk, it was apparent that the news media were simply trying to generate controversy.

Here’s what really happened: Trump had been asked a question about a criminal gang made up of immigrants and a long list of truly abhorrent crimes that they had committed. In his response, Trump was visibly disgusted and expressed his exact emotions by calling the criminal group less than human.

Yet, all it took was to create a social media meltdown was to simply pick out a single quote out of context. And yet another reason why context is very crucial to understanding.

Another example that jumps into my mind occurred over 2000 years ago. A young Teacher in his early thirties admonished his large group of excited followers to either pluck out their right eye, or chop off their right hand if they were ever going to reap the benefits of being His followers. I’m fairly certain that more than few eyebrows were raised after the Teacher made that profound statement.

Of course, I wasn’t there. I only read an account of the story.

The first time I read that historically documented event, I made the same mistake that the news media made when covering Donald Trump’s talk. I took the Teacher’s instructions out of context and it was no surprise that I was offended by the statement. I remember my throat going dry that day. I had heard that the Teacher’s Way was hard, but this was like nothing I expected.

Then a couple of days ago, I reread history. And this time, I didn’t forget to put the whole story into context. That was when I realized that 2000 years ago, the Teacher was not encouraging His followers to indulge in self-mutilation. Rather, He was teaching them something deeper.

Consider these statements:

1) James is my right-hand man, and;
2) I want James to be my eyes in the field

We make statements like these everyday without considering the people in question to be extensions of our body parts. Contrary to that, when we make statements like those I shared in the example, the picture painted in our minds is one founded in a very strong relationship. By calling James my right-hand man, it simply implies that I have cultivated a strong relationship with him such that I can depend on him for support when I need it. By going further to refer to James as my eyes in the field, I am implying that I have spent the time to build a relationship of trust with him.

That was what the Teacher was talking about so many years ago. In context, He was simply saying that to crystallize every drop of potential embedded within and around you, you would need to take proactive (and many times, drastic) measures. There’s no relationship that is worth you missing out on the fulfilment. That was why the Teacher made the then radical statement of severing ties with toxic relationships that serve as a lid to your potentials. If your right-hand man is comfortable with hanging out in the valley of life, it is better to chop off that right-hand man and climb up to the mountaintop. And your right eye? If all your right eye is seeing is impossibilities and limitations, it would serve you better to arrive at destiny without that eye, than to remain trapped in the realm of mediocrity.

Toxic Relationships Decrease With Increasing Value

I remember my sophomore year as a college student. A dude looked at me with disgust written all over his face and told me point-blank: You have low self-esteem. I believed him. Moments later, he came to me and told me that he was joking. I didn’t believe him.

I didn’t know what I know now. Perhaps you are in the same shoes I found myself nearly 10 years ago. This is for you:

You are valuable and you have a great worth hidden with your very essence. There is a treasure hidden beneath your ordinary exterior appearance. The fact that you cannot see it does not make it less real. The key to placing a great value upon yourself is to have the knowledge of what you are carrying within you. As I have said time and time again, your behavior and character is determined greatly by your sense of identity. If you start seeing yourself as a person of value and worth, you would care about yourself, and you would pay attention to how you are treated in your relationships. You would be a man or woman on a mission. Your time would be more valuable to you and you would not waste it on things lacking in value. Your wisdom level will shoot up and you’d realize there is no virtue in regurgitating interactions with people who seek to undermine your true worth. You would actively seek out uplifting relationships where everyone is dominated by the doctrine of synergy. You would finally realize that nobody is created to be a floor mat to be trampled upon by others. No one was invited to lead a second-rate life. In addition, your sensitivity is heightened and you would be able to detct toxic relationships from a mile off. Because the estimation of your value is high, you are able to forgive yourself for putting yourself in a situation where you are abused emotionally (and even physically). You would also have the depth and capacity to be able to forgive your abuser(s). You would be able to eliminate resentment from your heart and rather spend time in having a clearer picture of your identity and worth.

Toxic Relationships Exert Power Over You

For whatever reason that you are in the habit of cultivating toxic relationships, they are capable of influencing your life and altering the course of your destiny in the long run. This influence is not merely limited to the fulfilment of purpose. I’ve come across numerous research works that reported that toxic relationships are associated with high stress levels, high blood pressure, and even early mortality – yes, death! In another post, I talked about the Matthew Effect and how it helps the rich get richer, and the poor poorer. The interesting thing is that the Matthew Effect also applies to toxic relationships. People who are in the habit of forming healthy relationships and nipping toxic relationships in the bud are going to increase their chances of leading healthier and happier lives and vice versa. It’s nothing personal. It’s just one of the principles that governs how the world works.

The good news is that it is possible to reduce the influence of toxic relationships in your life. You know what these relationships are, and you know where they coming from. Your job now is to limit their access to you. The truth is that you do not need to give access to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along your path. This does not mean that you are arrogant or snobbish. Rather, it simply means that you know your value and your worth and you would not allow yourself to be commonized by toxic relationship. The value of gold and other precious minerals is found in their scarcity. Make yourself scarce to toxic people and you’d find toxic relationships dying a natural death.

Toxic Relationships Demand Uncomfortable Conversations

As I mentioned in this post, the quality of your life is dependent on the amount of uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have. We are all humans – flawed and imperfect. As a result of our differences in values and expectations, there is bound to be conflict in the course of our interactions with each other. Because of human’s natural affinity for self-preservation, when faced with conflict, our default tendency is avoidance. However, when conflict eventually arises in toxic relationships, it is a grave mistake to elect avoidance as a coping strategy. As an adult, it is responsible to engage in uncomfortable conversations and confront the status quo in whatever toxic relationships that you may find yourself. By taking responsibility and engaging in uncomfortable conversations, you would be able to know whether your next course of action is choosing the path towards conflict resolutions and subsequent reconciliation; or whether enough is enough, and it is time to limit the access of the sources of toxic relationships to you. By engaging in these uncomfortable conversations, you would gain more clarity on what your own values are and as a result, become stronger as an individual fully rooted in your identity.